Five Years

It has been almost 5 years since I had my first seizure. It was something that I never expected to happen, and to this day it is something that I know can still occur unexpectedly. In some ways, I’ve gotten used to having seizures; but it is also  an overwhelming experience that breaks me down to my weakest point every single time it happens. Immediately after I have a seizure, my emotions and reactions can vary. The seizures that I have had at home while sleeping didn’t seem “as bad” as the others that I had while awake and in public spaces.

Every experience of waking up in the hospital has been surreal. One moment, I’m sitting at my desk, or working, and the next I’m waking up in a hospital. My most recent seizure in February has definitely been the hardest for me to deal with. I lost an entire day, and woke up with a breathing tube down my throat, drugged up on Fentanyl and in shock from waking up in the alone in the ICU. Because of the opiates, it felt like I was alone with the breathing tube for hours; in reality Bob and my mom and sister showed up about an hour after I had woken up.

Once I left the hospital, I was relieved to be free again. I stayed home from work for the rest of the week, and had my mom to take care of me, and make sure I didn’t have another seizure while Bob was at work. It was relaxing to be at home, but also a little boring.

When I did return to work, my family and I had decided that I should refrain from driving until I was more stable. Luckily, Bob and I work the same shift; so he was able to drop me off, and because my sister also works at 3M, she was able to pick me up after work. I was grateful, and realized that they were right to say that I shouldn’t drive so soon after a seizure. After a few weeks, I began to grow restless; I couldn’t drive myself to the grocery store, to the gym after work, to my sister’s house. I began to feel held back, and I was definitely frustrated.

I don’t know if it’s just me, or if something actually happens with the brain after a seizure; but every single time I have had a seizure while awake; depression quickly takes over my mind. I think that this time was especially difficult after being 5 months seizure free. I felt like I had finally found a solution that was working. I was on top of the world one moment, and the next I was thrown off a cliff without any control of the situation.

That feeling is still with me; I have no control of what could happen next. I could go 5 months without a seizure and then have another. I could be seizure free for a year and still have one. Even after five years, I could still have one. This has been what has building up inside of me in the five weeks since my seizure. So, when will it be okay for me to drive? Because from what I can see, it is never safe for me drive because I could always have a seizure. It’s hard to have the freedom of driving taken away. It may not seem like much, but it feels like I’m trapped, I feel like I will disappoint people if I drive again and something happens. It would be my own fault, but guess who told me I shouldn’t drive.