Just Beneath the Surface

Here I am, 25 years old now; a quarter century, half way to 50.  It’s amusing to look back and see all that has happened in one year of life, and to think about what will happen in the coming year. The last few days of my 24^th year were undeniably memorable, and played a significant role in the shifting of my mentality in life. Many of you know that I have epilepsy, something still relatively recent for me (first seizure in 2012). On January 29^th I was working another monotonous shift at the factory; cleaning up some papers in preparation for my first break of the day. Suddenly, I'm opening my eyes, looking up at two EMTs and a police officer from a stretcher. I didn’t have to ask what had happened; I could feel the hammering in my head, my skull throbbing in pain, my brain and body heavy with exhaustion. I had a seizure at work.

Bandages were wrapped around my forehead, and I could feel a different kind of headache emerging. I tried sitting up, but the EMTs told me to stay lying down as they began asking me some simple questions to be certain I was no longer in a state of postictal confusion.  My coworkers watched as I was wheeled out to the waiting ambulance, and a feeling of dread washed over me as I thought about what they had just witnessed. Once at the hospital, it was determined that I needed stitches in my left eyebrow. I told the doctor that I had a seizure disorder and had taken my medication the night before, but hadn’t taken it that morning since I usually took it at my break. I was given an IV of my medication, a tetanus shot and six stitches, and then I was free to go home.

       When I saw my face in the mirror for the first time, I couldn’t stop the tears; my face and hair were covered in dried blood, my stitches glaring against my pale skin and bulging forehead, along with a black eye and a swollen nose. At home with Bob I was well taken care of, but I was physically, mentally and emotionally depleted. Since I’d had a seizure less than 60 days before that, and the fact that I was on my medication during both seizures, I was feeling especially uneasy. The next day, my left eye was swollen shut and the swelling and color was spreading to the right side of my face as well. I felt like a monster not only because of how I looked, but also because I had absolutely no control over my brain and what it did to my body.

For many days I wore sunglasses anytime I was in public, whether it’s sunny, cloudy, or if I was inside or outside; I didn’t want people staring and wondering “what happened to that woman’s face?”. It’s given me a lot of time to consider how much value we put on an individual’s looks, and how we judge someone according to what we see, rather than what lies beneath. In the past couple days, despite still having bruises under my eyes; I’ve stopped wearing the sunglasses in public. And I’ve seen how people look at me, even with just the slightest bit of discoloration on my face; I can see the judgment and questions in the eyes of those who stare at me. 

Last week, those gawkers would have left me feeling insecure and disparaged, but now I want them to see my bruises and scars. They can look as much as they want, and think whatever they want to about me; because they are wrong. When it comes to physical attributes, we’ve all been judgmental at some point; sometimes it’s hard not to make assumptions or conclusions based on what we see. But can’t we recognize that our perceptions are arbitrary and oftentimes malicious? Whether it’s an injury, physical deformation, skin color, scar, disease, disability or anything else; it’s all just part of the exterior. Superficial means “existing or occurring at or on the surface”, so we should go deeper to find the genuine qualities of a human, rather than focusing on one-dimensional attributes.